The Gift of Family

By Sarah Kittle

To quote St. Pope John Paul II in 2000, “To adopt a child is a great work of love. When it is done, much is given, but much is also received. It is a true exchange of gifts…”

When, during a crisis pregnancy, a decision is made to have the baby, a gift of life is given. When the birth mother decides to place the baby for adoption, that’s a gift of family.

There are approximately 11,000 children in foster care in the state of Michigan, according to the Chaldean Catholic Diocese’s Office of Life (OOL). Of those, approximately 3,000 Michigan foster children are available for adoption at any given time.

Children enter foster care when the state determines that they are in danger in their family home; at that point, the state agency intercedes on behalf of the child and removes them from the home. The goal of foster care is to eventually unite children with their birth families. Adoption is different.

There are two paths to adoption. One is when the court makes a decision that reunification with the birth family is no longer possible. The other is when the birth parents choose to relinquish their rights and give another family a chance; a chance to provide all the love and stability and material goods that a baby needs to have a good start in life.

Maybe the birth mother is alone in this decision; maybe she has no family support, no known resources and sees no way to move forward. Maybe she’s in denial, or maybe in complete acceptance. She (or her family) may be worried about her reputation. But as Destiny Delly of the Chaldean Diocese’s Office of Life says, “Babies are born every day to single parents.”

If you are dealing with an unwanted or crisis pregnancy, Delly wants you to know you have options. “First of all, pray on it,” she says, “Then call the Office of Life.”

Adopting a child of any age is not for the faint of heart. Biological parents will tell you that creating and birthing a child does not protect you from being hurt by them. And children that have suffered abuse or neglect at the hands of those who are supposed to protect them are more suspicious than others. They may have coping mechanisms that don’t serve them well, anger issues, or problems with authority. These are the kids that need love and stability the most, and unfortunately, they are also the ones most likely to have given up on having a family of their own.

Fostering, Adoption and the Chaldean Community

According to the OOL, in recent years, the number of Chaldean children experiencing the need for out-of-home placement into foster care has increased. We know from research that keeping children in homes with similar cultural and religious identity reduces the trauma they will experience. The main goal is to return children back to their homes when it is safe.

The OOL needs your help to provide a safe, nurturing home for these children until they can be returned to their families. They are also suffering from the trauma of being removed from their families.

Children and youth enter foster care because they have been abused, neglected, or abandoned by their parents or guardians. All these children have experienced loss and some form of trauma. In other ways, foster children are no different from children who aren’t in foster care: they are learning and growing, like to play and hang out with friends their age, and need the love and stability a permanent home provides.

Hoping to highlight the need, the OOL is actively working to recruit families willing to accept the calling to become foster parents to children in need. In some cases, these children may not be able to return to their parents and becoming a foster parent will give you the opportunity to provide a “forever home” through adoption.

Types of Adoption

The Michigan Department of Health and Human Services (MDHHS) searches for adoptive families that will best meet the needs of the child. Whenever possible, adoptive placements are made with relatives and foster parents. Every effort is made to keep siblings together.

In addition to private adoption, when all points are discussed and agreed upon through a lawyer, there are three other types of adoption: open, which means the birth parents are known by the child and expected to be involved in their life; semi-open, where adoptive parents send photos and updates to the birth parents; and closed, where the adoptee is able to get information about the birth parents from the agency at age 18 if they so choose.

If you make the choice to give the gift of family and adopt a child, your agency will ask you about the types of children for whom you are willing to care. The agency’s final recommendation will be based on your preferences and the agency’s assessment of your skills and abilities. Ongoing training opportunities are offered to foster parents to increase the knowledge and skills needed to meet the needs of the children placed in their home.

Making the Choice

Anonymity can be tricky in a small, close-knit community. For those who fear reprisal or are trying to avoid the stigma of being labeled promiscuous, the OOL offers options. Delly, as an employee of the Diocese, regularly counsels women who are in crisis. She provides resources to free therapy, adoption agencies, and even helps find housing. The focus at OOL is first and foremost the birth mother.

“You’re not alone,” Delly emphasizes. She recently counseled an unwed mother who felt unready for parenthood and was wavering on the decision to terminate her pregnancy. Once shown her options and resources, the birth mother chose adoption. She chose to give the gift of life and the gift of family. That is a “win” for the OOL, which also organizes pro-life marches and prayers; not only for the mother choosing life, but with the grace of God, healing the hearts of all those involved.

One other birth mother was told her baby would not live very long after birth and was considering abortion for that reason. After counseling and many weeks of soul-searching, she decided to have the baby naturally and was able to spend a few precious hours with them before they died. This made it easier for the birth mom to grieve and mourn the loss of her child, rather than feeling responsible for the death of her baby.

Through the Office of Life, priests are also available to counsel expectant parents in crisis and provide mentorship through the process of keeping their baby or placing it for adoption. No one is forced to decide either way, and the birth mother and her state of mind is always made a priority.

One family made the choice to adopt after finding out that there was a Chaldean child in the system. “It was in 2019 when we first heard that there were Chaldean children in the foster care system, which really stirred our hearts,” recalls Heather Kas-Shamoun. “Our hearts went out for all children in the foster care system, but we felt that a Chaldean child would do better in a Chaldean home where they can stay connected to their faith and culture. We wanted to be there for our community if there was really a need.”

Although they had biological children of their own, upon hearing of this child, Heather and Robert, her husband of 22 years, felt called to offer a home.

“The foster care licensing allows you to set criteria of what you’re open to for fostering including age, ethnicity, etc.,” explains Kas-Shamoun. “We had listed that we were open to only Chaldean children to service the need in our community. The system didn’t easily identify the children as Chaldean or not at the time, but the Office of Life has made efforts to bring more awareness to MDHHS and they are working on updating the system to have a category for Chaldean.”

For a culture where family is the number one priority, it is an undeniably difficult choice to take that child from the home and place them elsewhere. This child was placed with a loving family that does not differentiate between “biological” and “adopted.” They will know the culture they come from and hopefully will feel the pride that comes with it.

“We immediately connected with this sweet girl,” says Kas-Shamoun. “She fit in with us and our family right away.” The Kas-Shamouns set her on a path with good schools and taught her to embrace the beauty of her Catholic faith and Chaldean community. She began to thrive in all aspects of her life because of the sense of belonging, love, and security she felt with them.

“The adoption process took close to 9 months,” says Kas-Shamoun, “but we didn’t need the legal paperwork because we knew it was written by God that she was to be our daughter.”

According to the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, “the miracle of adoption is about the pain, resolution, and growth that comes when a young girl and her family face the issues of an untimely pregnancy, and when adoptive families accept their infertility and face their fears about adoption.

“Today, adoption is a legal transfer of parental rights and duties. It is governed by state laws that protect the child, first and foremost, and then the biological mother and adoptive parents. There is a clearly defined process that involves social workers, lawyers, and judges. The history of adoption, however, begins much earlier. Ancient civilizations practiced it and codified adoption in their laws. One of the first written accounts dates back 4,000 years to the Code of Hammurabi.”

Finding a Forever Family

Children and teens enter foster care through no fault of their own because they have been abused, neglected, or abandoned and are unable to continue living safely with their families.

But we as a community can help. Consider fostering children who have been removed from their families. The system is full of sad stories about siblings who have been separated or children that have been abused, even within the system. Delly wants you to know that not all the horror stories are true, however; there are many instances of families who opened their hearts and homes to a foster or adoptive child, and it worked out wonderfully.

“It’s a beautiful thing,” says Delly,” not something to be scared of.”

“Opening up our family this way has provided us fruits beyond measure,” says Kas-Shamoun. “We have grown in ways we didn’t know possible.”

You don’t need a lot of money or a fancy home – you don’t even necessarily have to be married to foster or adopt and provide a forever home.

As we prepare our hearts this Christmas to welcome the birth of Jesus, through whom we became welcomed into God’s family, we must also be willing to give, from our hearts, the gift of family.

Find out more about fostering and adoption by visiting the website chaldeanchurch.org/life.