Dating While Chaldean

By Beshar Shukri

The topic of dating is highly debated and ever changing; this comes as no surprise because it is a universal experience. Most of us have dated, will date, or are currently dating. However, this idea of dating is rather new to the Chaldean community, when compared to the “courting” our parents experienced.

An outdated and antiquated practice was once the common way of winning the approval of your desired mate. However, “dating” in its current definition is getting to know someone without making commitments. This viewpoint and technology have led us to the hook-up culture we see in the West. What was once deemed uncouth has now become the norm.

As Chaldeans began to immigrate to America, we were an insulated community; it took time for the culture to seep into our lives. Nevertheless, within a few generations we have seen the same issues that plague other communities, such as divorce, infidelity, and miscegenation (a fancy word for marrying outside of your ethnicity). Miscegenation is not as negative as the other examples I used; however, every example was, and still in some way is, a foreign idea to the Chaldean community.

It is expected that we stay faithful, never divorce, and marry a fellow Chaldean—even better, someone from the same village as our ancestors. To demonstrate how quickly our ways have changed, just two to three generations ago, our grandparents or great-grandparents had arranged marriages.

In our parents’ generation, that quickly changed to recommendations and approval from the family. Now, mine and younger generations have the choice to marry whom we please, though it is more advantageous if our family approves. I believe it is more challenging to find a suitable partner precisely because we have more freedom to choose. As the saying goes, “Freedom comes at a price.”

In my experience of dating, I had many misconceptions about our community. For Chaldean men, I thought you were meant to have your fun dating but then marry a Chaldean girl. For Chaldean women, I thought they were to remain pure and find a successful Chaldean man to wed. I did not think that I would find a Chaldean woman who was interested unless I was well-off and could provide a certain lifestyle.

Considering how much money we spend on weddings, I figured I wasn’t too far off. I looked elsewhere for some time then started to engage with our community more. I realized I was projecting my concerns onto the entire community instead of seeing individual Chaldeans.

Recently, on the recommendation of my coworkers, I decided to try Chaldean speed dating. It seemed odd and very new culturally, but I asked myself, “What’s the worst that could happen?” Much to my surprise, it went well.

The interactions were fun and lively and I was floored how many of my preconceived notions were shattered. I saw a different side of my community that I thought never existed, one where income was not the focus. Though I am still single, I have new hope that courting, and the old ways of our culture will not be relegated by expectations and the pressures of our families. I rather hope that it will be the wisdom we carry and the love we have for one another that will bring us successful marriages.

To summarize which way is best, I leave that to you—the reader—to decide. Whether it is to return to the villages to find a wife like our ancestors did, or work within the Western dating construct and find a wife among the masses. Either way, “The man who finds a wife finds a treasure and he receives favor from the LORD.” (Proverbs 18:22).