The Greatest Gift of All: An Attitude of Gratitude
By Valene Ayar
As we pack away the Christmas decorations and ring in the New Year, our minds shift focus from “good tidings” to “new beginnings.” With this shift, we often lose the spirit of the season. The extra warmth and grace that fills us up around the holidays seems to get packed away with the Christmas ornaments, waiting until next year to re-emerge.
But it doesn’t have to be that way. In fact, the greatest gift you can bestow upon your family is an “attitude of gratitude.” It has been proven, irrefutably, that gratitude (or “Vitamin G” as I call it) is the single, greatest emotion for our well-being — mind body, and soul.
Gratitude is SO not natural
Feeling gratitude is not an innate survival instinct. It is newer to us, evolutionarily speaking. As a species in the animal kingdom, we are hardwired to survive and propagate the species, categorically.
Thankfully, we have evolved beyond our most basic and reptilian survival needs to become a more social species, capable of feeling and expressing great emotion. With that upgrade comes gratitude, although it can be fleeting and infrequent.
The science of gratitude
Dr. Robert Emmons, the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, conducted studies on people who kept gratitude journals. He found that regularly engaging in the feeling of gratitude produced very measurable benefits in every sphere of our lives - physical, psychological, social, and spiritual.
Some notable benefits he discovered include (but are not limited to) a heightened sense of self-worth; feelings of optimism, enthusiasm, love, and happiness; increased empathy, kindness, and compassion for others; fewer physical problems (including pain); better resilience; and best of all, a longer life. His study shows that regular feelings of gratitude can add a whopping 7 years to our lives!
Neuroscience: A microdose lesson
Without getting too buried in the scientific machinations of it all, there is an actual brain rewiring that occurs which is responsible for many of these changes.
According to experts, gratitude works on us neurologically by interrupting the cycle of negative and fearful thoughts that we all experience on a daily basis. This, in turn, allows the stress system in our bodies to recover. It also has the added benefit of weakening the neural pathways which serve as direct routes between brain regions when certain (often negative) patterns emerge.
Gratitude is often warmly received by the recipient which, in turn, triggers a dopamine release in our brain. You may have heard of dopamine - one of our most powerful, effective, and highly addictive “feel-good” neurotransmitters. Over time, those dopamine hits will come at the thought of simply being grateful for something, however basic and insignificant it may seem.
That dopamine release makes us feel euphoric, and so we will seek out other ways to get that same feeling. And what better way than by repeating the very thing that triggered it to begin with?
Gratitude.
Lead by example
The way you go about teaching your kids about gratitude will vary, depending on age, personality, interests, and other factors but across the board, professionals all agree on one fundamental place to start – with parents.
As the axiom goes, charity starts at home. The best way to teach your kids about gratitude is not to bully or scold them into it. That will only produce feelings of shame and/or resentment, not gratitude.
Teach. Don’t Preach.
Start by expressing gratitude yourself. Make it a habit of thanking them for things you normally wouldn’t (but maybe should) like household chores, completing homework, and good behavior. Basically, any time you feel grateful, say it!
It’s not a spectator sport
A daily gratitude habit is not a passive ritual, but rather, an active one. One cannot just stand around waiting for amazing things to occur, hoping they arrive, so you can express gratitude for them.
A habit of daily gratitude starts with looking for and being grateful for the little things, the things we normally take for granted: that stranger at Starbucks who offered a kind word and a warm smile when you were having a rough day; the waitress who was exceptionally attentive and friend, even though she was slammed with the lunch crowd; or a beautiful autumn (or winter) day filled with warmth and sunshine.
It is in these small moments that we really see God’s grace. And once you start looking for opportunities to feel grateful, you will start seeing them EVERYWHERE.
Just because gratitude is not an automatic human response does not mean it can’t become one. And the sooner you begin, the better. Get your kids into the habit of feeling and expressing gratitude every single day – make it a daily ritual like bathing or brushing their teeth. A great place to start is by keeping a gratitude journal. This not only reinforces the feeling, but it’s a good “pick-me-up” to look back on when you’re feeling down.
Volunteering is another way to feel gratitude. While it may work more effectively with teenagers, it doesn’t mean the whole family can’t join in. Volunteer as a family to serve meals at a soup kitchen on the first Saturday of every month (or any day/charity of your choice). Just make sure it is donating time and effort rather than writing a check. In addition to instilling gratitude, it will bring the family closer together in a very meaningful and spiritual way.
Challenge yourself
Have you heard of the 30-Day Family Gratitude Challenge? This month-long gratitude marathon offers a different and creative gratitude challenge each day, such as a gratitude scavenger hunt, a whole day of writing “thank you” notes, or even a riff on gratitude on open-mic night. Your elementary and middle-school aged kids will especially enjoy the fun and silliness of that idea.
The possibilities are endless. Visit parents-together.org for more ideas and free printables.
Once you start a daily thankfulness ritual, you will instantly feel the transformative power of gratitude. And remember, teaching your kids the habit of gratitude will not only enrich their lives, but may very well prolong them, too!